Being Held Accountable or Being Accountable?

As children, we needed someone else to hold us accountable. Ever wonder why or how a child can look you in the eye and say with a straight face, “No, I didn’t eat the last cookie.” with chocolate all over their mouth? Or how your teen can say, “I didn’t break curfew; I was home at 11PM sharp!” when you heard their soft footsteps at 1AM?? That is, in part, because their conscience is underdeveloped. As we now know, the part of our brain that houses our conscience does not fully develop until around the age of 25:
For more about brain development written for lay persons, please see:

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-prefrontal-cortex.html

Therefore, we ALL needed someone else to hold us accountable in order to behave according to what was expected. For the most part, this system, when properly applied works. That is, if both sides were consistent and straightforward, generally speaking the child did what was asked. It is as if children are hard-wired to please.

With increasing age came increased responsibilities and privileges. If caregivers were truly interested in raising independent, self-sufficient adults, part of this preparation was “loosening the reins” as we grew. This allowed us to “try out our wings” with a safety net to catch us if we strayed too far. In a healthy home environment, one day we no longer needed that accountability as we had internalized the laws of society and rules and expectations of our families. Decision-making was now placed squarely upon our shoulders. Ready or not!

What happens if this development is not nurtured or we weren’t permitted to make age-appropriate choices? Our ability to rely on our own decision-making abilities may be so impeded, that we habitually seek the advice or validation of others. It is as if we cannot trust ourselves to make healthy decisions, especially on important matters (important being decided by us, of course.) This has an impact on all of our relationships. At work, it is unlikely to find this individual in any supervisory role; at home, this person does not know how to “be the adult”, continually seeking approval.

If this is the case all is not lost!! Yes, you can learn these skills later in life. In fact, holding others accountable is one of the primary reasons to hire a life or business coach. They will give you specific goals, and assist you in designing ways to meet these goals. If they are effective, in a relatively short time you will be ready to hold yourself accountable.

If you’re thinking, I’ve tried and I still can’t accomplish what I intend!, or, whenever I think I’m on the right track, things go “haywire”, there could be a very valid reason why! Some people are better served by entering short-term counseling before considering if coaching is the next step. How do you know which category you fall in? Honestly look at your level of satisfaction in your relationships. Also, consider how you responded the last time(s) you were faced with a decision. How easily did you choose between options? How satisfied were you with your choice after you made it?

Fortunately, we live in a time when seeking help, whether counseling or coaching, for the most part no longer holds the stigma it once did. The key is to be willing to take the first step!

Posted in Is my life on track?, Learning and growing | Tagged , | 552 Comments

Learning to fly

From my earliest days of spiritual growth, I have struggled with surrender!

While I understood the concept, it felt counter-intuitive; after working SO hard to develop a healthier sense of self. Why would I then put her on the back burner for an unknown force, spirit, etc. to run my life. Damn! This was my life!! I thought I was supposed to be in charge of it from now on.

As I began to comprehend what was really meant by surrender, I saw the possibility of the freedom that lie within. However, HOW to put this into practice, and truly live from that place continued to elude me….

Then, as is always the case when I have something to learn, I had opportunities to do so. Several situations were presented to me, some of which were SO out of my control, that I truly felt I had no choice! After a few “emotional temper tantrums” and some tears, I found that I was learning an underlying lesson — accepting when there’s nothing else you can do. Sometimes, when life hands you a lemon, you don’t want lemon aid!! You want candy and lollipops. But, I learned that a steady diet of candy and lollipops isn’t healthy.

I don’t mean to imply that I now have this all handled, neatly tied up with a ribbon and bow!! Those who know me, can attest to that.

I have, however, learned to recognize the situations that continue to challenge me on this, and each time I work to surrender a little more easily, more fully. In time, I hope to be able to fly with the eagles, soaring high above where the view is brighter.

 

Posted in Awareness Gained, Learning and growing, Spiritual Growth | Tagged , | 696 Comments

Pain vs. Suffering

For some time, I have been contemplating how pain and painful experiences impact us. Recently, I have come to the conclusion that if I live long enough (yes, I already have) I will experience some things that I will feel are painful. However, the key difference between this, and suffering is choice about how I approach this.

I can choose to dwell on what happened, what I wish had happened, what I wanted (or needed to happen) instead, etc. OR I can choose to allow myself to experience the event(s), process my feelings and ultimately let go and return to being at peace. The former will lead to suffering, feeling as if life is happening to me and I am out of control. The latter leads to greater awareness, a feeling of being further empowered and knowing how to move forward. If I choose the latter, the end result is always the same! I am able to feel grateful.

NO! This is not easy, in fact at times it may be quite challenging, but it is always possible.

I have taken this approach to relationships, health challenges, spiritual matters and many other areas in my life and when I do so the lessons come with greater ease. This is my hope and desire for myself and all others.

 

Posted in Awareness Gained, Commentary re: life situation | Tagged , | 520 Comments

Welcome to Alexandra Rose’s Blog!

I am using this space to post my thoughts, new awareness or comments on life situations. I will not be using it to entertain political commentary, yours or mine.

I intend for this to be a place to maintain or increase peace and be uplifting. I welcome all comments which are offered with this in mind, while I reserve the right to delete any which are volatile or offensive in nature.

I hope that you will visit often and feel free to comment!

Thank you for reading this.

Posted in Commentary re: life situation, General, Learning and growing | Tagged | 301 Comments